sad and lost and far from home.

so where do i live then?
this isn't my home. i feel like i'm part of a childrens' picture book.

'where does ruth the rhino live?' 'not here'

doesn't help that i'm listening to bon iver. not really helping the lost, sad feeling.
and 20. 20. 2o. no thank you.

gotta keep growing and moving and changing. and staying right here, with nothing around me the same, and nothing so different that it matters.

luckily it's all bollocks anyway and i can go home soon.
but it's a new home, away from my best friend.
and it's a town i've made home, it isn't really.
but i fit better there, with five counties at least between me and 'home' than in the county less than half an hour from where i was born.

there are so many layers, so many reasons for each person to do different things.
i've been told my music was frantic, too much energy, too busy.
i don't wonder why i don't listen to sad music.

everything i feel is right there for everyone to see and it takes all my energy everyday to put things down and get on with something real. you can't just go about telling people things.

my head hurts, my thoughts glow
and if i shaved my head, smooth as a stone,
you would see. it would show.